The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
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