Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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