Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
