ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
