well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just cropdusted the office
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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