I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
