He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Randomize
