Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
