I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
