No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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