before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
