Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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