dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
