Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
