What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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