before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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