Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
