I will die if light touches me.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
