gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Can't talk, ducks in the car
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
