Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
