Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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