I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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