so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
