You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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