dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
