Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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