we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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