Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
