dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
