You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
