im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
