Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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