i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
