Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
