I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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