I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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