Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
