I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
