My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
