only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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