So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Actions speak louder than pants.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
being pregnant is like rehab
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
