In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
