the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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