i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
