Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
