i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
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