i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
