meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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