I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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