if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
