he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
