she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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