i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's shark week go big or go home
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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